Dystopian Future

Ezra barely heard Zemin moving around, being lost in thoughts. Every time he touched one of the scars, the memories was there. He had tried to forget, like that would ever happen. Some idiot said that time healed all wounds, no it just gave you scars. From the ones he could remember the pain from, it was like he felt it all over, which was impossible he knew, but he could remember the pain from the whip, every hit, every laugh, feeling the warm blood covering his back. He could remember the sharp blade cutting through him, the infection which almost always followed. He remembered the burns, and the smell from the burnt flesh. He didn't remember the pain from the chains as much as the sound, the sound that followed him everywhere he went, the sound of metal against stone, he hated it. But how strange it maybe, when he escaped he couldn't sleep in the beginning, not hearing the sound. He had gotten so used to the sound of the chains, the screams from others, the guards talking, so when everything was silent, he was fucking scared. It got better, he could even enjoy the silence now, but it had taken time. But it took so little for him to remember it all, get the feeling he was back, and that made the memories scarier than the act. He wasn't even sure if he was scared to go back, knowing he wouldn't feel anything, and that he had his powers, but the feeling of being a lonely kid in pain was worse than anything that could happen to him today.

If Zemin hadn't spoken, he had forgotten that he was there, most likely. He hadn't even heard him move, being so lost in thoughts. He didn't lift his head, having no desire to show the other man the tears, he was only glad that they feel silently. Maybe because he learned that if he cried out-loud it made everything worse, or maybe because he wasn't fully aware of them.
"It's not you Zemin, I almost forgot that you were here" he started, feeling the still water around him, but as soon as he moved just a little it touched him and made it worse. "It's me. I told you I don't like my body and my scars"
He felt silent for awhile, thinking about the words, someone may say he was to drunk to think straight, and sure in a way he was, but showing someone the scars wasn't really a problem, except the possibility of someone capturing him. No he didn't like to see them or feel them, and as long as Zemin saw them, well he didn't care to much.
"Feeling them just makes me remember everything, doesn't matter if I touch them myself or if it's the water. I don't like taking baths, not even showers because of it, because I can feel them. There is a reason I always wears what I wear, true I wish to hide it from the humans, but more for myself than anyone else"
He slowly let his finger touch the water, maybe because he sometimes wished he could stop being so fucking honest with Zemin, or maybe because he started freezing again, not being covered by the water.
"So don't really matter if you stay or go, do as you pleases"

Zemin understood the older one to some extent, even though he had a hard time grasping why Ezra felt that way about his body. Sure, the scars could bring back unpleasant memories and maybe even feelings, but apart from that? Maybe it was just the wolf who couldn’t seem to understand it all, no matter how hard he tried.
At the same time as he thought about it, the gears in his head started to slowly twist and turn. The shaman didn’t like being able to feel the scars, correct? Then what would happen if he started focusing on something else that wasn’t a scar? Something that couldn’t fully be associated with pain.
Slowly but surely, the younger man started to lean in closer. One of the fair, slim hands basically hung in the air for a couple of seconds. Would he dare? It wasn’t even that much, right? Only a small gesture which’d hopefully turn out as somewhat calming. Zemin started biting his lower lip, while thinking about wether he should stroke Ezras hair or not. He should probably ask before doing anything, but he really wanted to comfort the other one in one way or another. And shifting wasn’t an option, as that’d take way too long. So instead he just sat there for a moment with the slender fingers dangling in the air. Stop being such a coward and do at least something! How hard can it be? Plus, it’s only a small touch over the hair. Can’t be too bad, now can it?

After a few moments he decided to listen to his inner thoughts, allowing the hand to place itself on top of the shamans black hair. This was probably something that was absolutely prohibited, but it had nothing to do with intimacy or anything even close to it. He was mated to Ezra yet deeply in love with Alec - something he barely dared to admit even to himself. Everything was just so trance and messy at the moment, which made Zemin doubt almost every single aspect of the universe. It made him want to disappear into the forests up in the north, to the mountains at the edge of the world and down to the swamps in the south. That basically described how fucking confused his poor mind actually was, since all of those three locations were totally different. Even the werewolves in the different areas differed in more ways he could even think of.
“Try not to think, okay? I know you don’t like contact but just..just think of my touch instead of your scars”, the wolf whispered as he carefully stroke through the different locks of hair. The other man actually had some really nice wisps of hair, or rather all of it was nice. Healthy, decently taken care of. Shit, now he really wanted to wash the other mans hair on top of everything else. But that wasn’t something he could exactly ask for. Or could he? Hey, Ezra can I please wash your hair? I like it and I want to care for it like a lost kitten, so pretty please? Okay, hell to the no, that would sound way too weird.

Ezra froze when he felt Zemin's hand up on him, and his first reaction was to drown the man, before leaving his dead body in the water for the others to find. Zemin had promised not to touch him, how come that every time the man promised something he broke it? How could the man do that to him? And another better question was why on earth Ezra continued believing him? How did they always end up in a situation Ezra didn't like? Sure he was a hopeless person hating things normal people didn't react to, so sure he was partly to blame, but yet the wolf should know not to try anything, he should have learned something by now. But apparently not. Ezra didn't know who was the most stupid out of the two, him or Zemin. Most likely him since he went back every time. Zemin only tried to be kind to him, Ezra understood that, he wasn't an idiot, it was just strange, he wasn't used to it. Maybe he shouldn't be scared of what Zemin did, but since he had tried things in the past, who know what he would do. Yet it didn't felt the same, and he knew he had Alec, and the ghoul could give Zemin what he wanted so it shouldn't be a problem, right? Yet he had froze, maybe it was because he couldn't see, and he was half lost in memories, scared and hating at the same time. Maybe it was the whole situation, he didn't know.

He heard Zemin's words, and he didn't really needed to say them for him to understand why he did it. Rivik had comforted him by touches as well, or rather Ezra snuggled with him, but it was such a difference between the spirit and the man. Yet he knew he had liked the touch in the past, he actually liked when Zemin stroked his hair, even if it felt like a strange thing to like. Maybe it was because he didn't have any scars, and it wasn't as scary or woke up any memories, he didn't know. But he tried to relax and actually listen to what Zemin had told him, even if it was hard.
"Just warn me next time" he whispered, feeling that not being able to see what the man did was one of the worse things. He tried to concentrate on Zemin's fingers in his hair, instead of the water against his scars, or the skin against his scars. And it seemed to work, to some extent, he didn't know if it was because he liked it, or because he was so observant towards Zemin, hoping he wouldn't do anything else that he almsot forgot about the memories. Maybe it was a combination, at least it made him relax a bit at least, even managing to make his fingers play more with the water.
"Thank you" he said honestly towards the other man, he knew he didn't need to help him at all, and even if Ezra had preferred if it was one of the spirits, most likely because he was used to it, it was better than being alone, and even some what nice.

It was clear that Zemin had once again managed to do something wrong. Or it was rather obvious, since he’d promised not to touch the other one and still done so. By this time Ezra should’ve begun to take that for granted - how the wolf always broke his promises and stepped over the line. But at the same time he also said thank you, and that was something positive, right? That’s why he didn’t remove the hand from the shamans hair and continued to stroke the black locks. He moved very slowly and carefully, allowed the fingers to dance lightly through the strands.
“I’ll warn you the next time..or I’ll at least try”, he promised and laughed quietly. The younger one had come extremely close to promise it, promise how he’d never touch Ezra again without a warning. However he now understood that that’d never be the truth and that he’d never be able to keep the promise. Before he’d started playing with the black locks, he’d actually had a reason as to not warn the other one. He had reasoned that taking the shaman with surprise would immediately drag his stubborn thoughts away from the scars and memories. In the end that had kind of worked, now hadn’t it? So he’d been sort of right.

”I just thought that you’d have an easier time letting go on the thoughts about yourself and all that pain if I took you by surprise”, Zemin explained and looked down towards the floor. He decided to concentrate on something else for a short period of time, giving himself a good shot at untangling his messy thoughts. For example he could try to focus on Alec’s snoring or Xue’s yelping. They said the older brother was a puppy, but the younger one secretly followed a very similar pattern. Both full grown werewolves were essentially two big, cuddly babies with a lot of snuggling on their minds. Of course Xue tried to hide it as much as possible, yet the older sibling could often see straight through him. He had a tendency to try and fall into complete wolf behaviour, something that always ended up failing. Out of the two, Zemin was the only one who’d even gotten close to loosing himself completely and that was during the beginning of his transformations, many years back.
“It’s funny how I can feel completely calm in this world”, he mumbled and thereby broke the long silence. “You’re not, but I certainly am. Right now for example..I can hear my loved ones snoring and yelping, touch your hair and feel my spirit calm itself..however out there, outside, there are real monsters, whore only out to hurt others. Homeless and poor people who can’t even afford enough food for the day, those who have nowhere to hide. I really hate this world.”

Ezra couldn't hinder himself from smyling when Zemins said he try. As both of them knew it wasn't something he could promise, but knowing that the man would try made him feel a bit better. The risk that the man wouldn't excited, but still better than nothing.
"Thank you" he said once more, and he was thankful that Zemins listened to his request at least. He didn't want to end up where they had been a few weeks ago, knowing that would make him never see the man again. He would never risk that if Zemins overstepped that much. If he tried to warn him, he had at least a chance to stop him. And than he thought about the man's words, u sure if it was true or not.

"Or making the risk of me killing you higher, being lost in thoughts I may not even know it's you" he told the other one. He didn't know if it was true or not, since he normally didn't had any humans around him when he was lost in thoughts, but he knew that people sometimes acted without knowing what they did. Luckily Zemins hadn't done anything that reminded him of the guards. Maybe he had acted if Zemins had done that. "But it helped, so you were right"
He raised his head a bit turning g towards Zemins, even if he couldn't see him, and he gave him a small smile. The other man's action did help him, he felt calmer, and he forgot about the pain, concentrating on Zemins touch. It was nice, tender and relaxing, and he actually. Forgot about all the pain, forcing those thoughts away, as he continued playing with the fingers in the water.
"I am glad you feel that way, and that you have Xue and Alec in your life. You deserve to feel that way." He stated, feeling that Zemins really deserves that, especially after everything he did for everyone else. "And it's not like I am not calm in the world, mostly because I don't care about it, or what happens to me or the world. Or maybe because I know of all it's monster got to know them as a kid already. It's just situations like this, things that aren't normal to me. I have never had a singel person taking care of me, ever and it's just strange, unfamiliar and it makes me on the edge, but if I am honest, it's nice" he whispered the words almost as he couldn't believe he said them, even if he meant them. He just didn't know what to do, or how to act, so he fell into silence, just playing with the water, and even if it touched him, Zemins touch made him not think about it, and just relax further.

According to Zemins own experiences feeling on the edge could be both a good and a bad thing. Usually they ended up colliding with each other, though sometimes it was just hard to differ between them, to decide which one fit the best.
“Feeling that you’ve reached the edge, leaning towards a steep fall and back towards solid ground can be a wake up call. At least that’s how I see it”, he mumbled and shrugged his shoulders, carefully allowing his slender fingers to sweep across one of Ezras cheeks. He wasn’t even fully sure if the other one had even felt it or not, since he tried to be more than careful. It was almost on the brink of being phantom touches, phantom strokes whom weren’t actually there. Rather that than accidentally stepping over the line again, ruining everything for good. The wolf didn’t want that, so that’s why he was so extremely self aware when it came to every single movement. And not only that, but also when it came to the thoughts. He didn’t even allow himself to go anywhere near those sort of thinking. If he did he already knew where it’d end up taking him and to be fair, he didn’t want to go there for many different reasons. Even though the world was gross and evil in every kind of way, he didn’t wish to die just yet. Because Ezra could very well kill Zemin if the werewolf mistakenly went a step to far. That’d just end in a bunch of horrible chain reactions, so no thanks.

“Do you want to get out of the tub or is it okay if I leave you for a bit?” Zemin wondered and looked towards the closed door. “I kind of want to light a fire in the fireplace, since I won’t let you go and sleep in your office..I swear to god that the sofa is a lot more comfortable and if you’re not scared of big puppies, I can turn if that makes it feel better”, he continued and smiled palely. Probably not a good idea, but what did it actually matter? His body didn’t seem too angry with all the turns and shifts, so maybe it was okay? During these last weeks the colour has actually returned to the fair face and he was a lot more excited and filled with energy. Even the freckles had made an entrance, which they hadn’t done for a long time.
“When me and Xue were little, we would often fall asleep in front of the open fire together with our father. He definitely wasn’t ashamed of his true form which might be the reason to me and my brother are the way we are”, the wolf mumbled with a smile and looked genuinely happy - since those memories were in fact happy ones.

"It can also lead to your death" he stated, knowing the edge was a dangerous thing, or maybe he really didn't know because he had been on it for so long, so for him it was rather dangerous stepping away, into what people thought of as normal. He didn't know how to handle it, what to do, what was even okay and so. He felt like the edge was easier, but maybe this what was the edge for him, something that was normal for everyone else. He could almost laugh over how fucked up his life was, that he couldn't handle the most simple things, like taking a bath without losing it, or even have someone take care off him, that he never had that. But killing someone, he didn't even thought twice. He really was fucked up, but the worst part was that he had never thought about it, unless the brothers entered his life. They really changed everything and it made him so confused. He was so lost in thoughts that he barely noticed Zemin's hand over his cheeks, how the smooth skin touched his, and compared to the first time it wasn't as scary. Maybe because he rarely noticed, maybe because he was drunk, or maybe he felt safer, he didn't know. But he didn't thought of the touch as scary, no rather nice. Okay he really was drunk or out of his mind, there was no other logical explanation. But seeing Zemin didn't do anything else, he didn't told him off.

Ezra slowly shrugged his shoulders.
"I can get up, it's not like I really enjoying myself here anyway" he told him as he snapped his fingers, making some changes of clothes appearing from the spirit world, something similar to pyjamas and he let his wet clothes disappear. He was about to protest, saying he could sleep in his office, not wishing to be in the way, but he knew Zemin wouldn't accept that and he didn't really have the strength to protest, so he only nodded as he stepped out of the tub, carefully not to fall, as he changed into some dry clothes.
"Well comfort doesn't really matter, I slept uncomfortable for years, so I could have slept at my office without problem, but you are not going to accept that" he actually smiled towards Zemin "And you know I prefer your wolf form, but I can't force you to change, and to be honest it has gotten good so far, not that it's a guarantee"
He turned towards Zemin again, unsure what he actually preferred, normally he would have preferred to be alone, but maybe he was just to out of it to care about now, and he didn't felt like going there now, knowing it was what got him into this mess.
"It sounds like a lovely memory. I am glad you have happy childhood memories" he was honest "Well could you help me to the sofa, so I don't need to fall and wake the others"

It was during a deep silence that Zemin helped Ezra out of the tub. Just as before, he tried to be careful and when the other man was out of the bathtub, the wolf threw a towel across his shoulders.
“You’re right, I’m not going to accept that”, he mumbled and allowed a small smile to cover his plump lips. “And of course I’ll help you find the sofa..otherwise I’d be a terrible friend”, the younger man continued and laughed, giving the shaman a moment to change into his clothes. Therefore he turned around and crossed his arms over the chest, starring at the closed door for a moment.
“You know what? I’ll let you change into your clothes while I light the fire”, Zemin stated and pushed the door open, leaving the bathroom and closing it behind him. Who knew if either Xue or Alec would wake up and start wandering around? It was definitely better to keep it closed until Ezra was wearing clothes.
The wolf sank down before the fireplace where he piled a bunch of dry branches on top of each other. Then he lit a match and watched the flames engulf the dry wood. He’d always liked fire, at least when it was contained. Raging flames weren’t especially cozy to be completely honest. Not at all. Back in the days when they’d lived in the mansion, the forest behind the living area would always end up catching fire from time to time. And that had just been complete and utterly terrifying.

Zemin shook his head and leaned back. Stupid memories, they never stopped coming. He pulled his hands through the thick, soft hair and sighed. Okay, so he was definitely going to turn, right? Because in the end that would allow Ezra to breathe and feel somewhat calm.
The cozy clothes he’d borrowed from Alec soon found themselves in a pile on the floor. But of course the wolf just had to fold them neatly and place them on an old, scrawny chair. Just because he was going to shift, it didn’t mean that he wanted to leave the place in a mess. He took a deep, slow breath before the bones started breaking and shifting under the fair skin. To be honest he didn’t really care about the pain, mostly since he’d turned so many times before. It was safe to say he’d gotten more then used to this specific kind of shifting - the controlled, non forced one that didn’t involve crawling out of the human skin.
Zemin clenched his jaws when the teeth became sharper, dug his claws into the wooden floor when the bones started moving and forming into their other form. Sure, he was used to the pain however that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt, because it really did. The turn ended up taking a couple of minutes, which wasn’t too unusual. He made a small grimace while shaking out the thick, dark fur. Yuck. Like actually, it was totally disgusting having to go through with something like that
Well, he could think about that later. Now he had to check in on Ezra and then he could ponder about the way the bones cracked and shifted. Deal? Deal. Zemin walked up to the closed door and sat down right in front of it, with the fluffy tail wagging behind him. Once again, yuck.
Are you done yet or what? Can you open the door by yourself or do I literally have to open it with my teeth? Irritated much? No, not at all.

Having changes into some clothes made him feel better already, especially when he has the gloves on. For a second he wondered if he would feel better if he showered with them? It was an idiotic and not hygienic idea, so he wouldn't do that, but still. The only thing annoying him now was the bandage covering his hands, making the gloves less comfortable, but he managed. He knew that Rivik would be furious otherwise, not that Ezra would school him tomorrow. He was, now when he was back, possed at the fox for being that drunk. That was okay if they were at home, where he knew everything, but on the streets, not so much. Sure he was to blame as well, but Rivik could think by himself, not like Ezra needed to say what was right and wrong. But he pushed those thought aside, knowing they would even make him angrier, and he would only think about it, not helping him. Walking downstairs and telling Rivik now was idiotic, they were both drunk, and it would just end bad. He also had a feeling Zemins wouldn't let him do that. And just as he thought about the other man he spoke to him, and the way he did it, he knew he has turned. Ezra wasn't sure if he was happy or not. Or okay he preferred the wolf form, making him feel better, but he also knew that Zemin wasn't always as pleased with that form. Ezra only hopes that the man handy felt pushed to transform, since he could have managed, or he hoped he could have, if Zemins was still human.

Ezra took a few carefully steps towards the door, not only because he didn't wish to fall, but also because of Zemin's voice. He opened the door but didn't move to much further. He couldn't see the wolf, not that it mattered, you couldn't read a wolf in the same way you did with a human. Sure wolves told you in other ways how they felt, like growling or wagging their tail, but he couldn't see what Zemin did or felt, but he had heard that something was wrong on the voice. That almost made him want to try and find the door, leaving. Not that Zemin scared him or anything, but he really didn't wish to be a bother.
"Zemin are you okay?" He asked as he slowly leaned against the doorframe. "You didn't had to change, I am sorry if you felt like you had."
He closed his eyes for a second, trying not to feel to guilty, knowing that it's what led him to this fucking Ness to begin with.
"And if it's something else, you can tell me if you wish. Or if you wish for me to leave so you can go to Alec, that's also okay" he didn't know what would make the other man feel better, and maybe Alec would handle it better than Ezra did, he was after all useless in situations like this. Comforting in anyway wasn't his thing, he could give Zemin advices, without a problem but that wasn't always what the other one wanted, so Ezra didn't really knew what to do.

Yeah, I’m fine and to be honest I have no desire to sleep next to a snoring Alec. I won’t be able to sleep for shit if I even try, Zemin muttered and was finally able to stop his stupid tail from whisking like crazy. For a short moment he just sat there and stared at Ezra with his two, large, amber eyes. Why had he even asked? Did he even care? The gaze lowered itself and the wolf pushed away the sigh that promptly wanted out. Instead he stood up and lightly closed his jaws around one of the shamans hands, carefully pulling him towards the sofa.
And I don’t want to leave you all by yourself in our messy living room, so there’s that as well”, he admitted and rolled his eyes just as he gave the older man a small push, to indicate that the sofa was right behind him. Messy living room? What had he even been talking about? It wasn’t messy at all and literally everything was where it was supposed to be. Everything was in place and it was spot free. Now that they had a larger living area, it was a lot easier to keep it clean - no matter if they were wolves or not. Just because Zemin changed his shape from time to time, it didn’t mean he went absolutely berserk and trashed to whole place. The same went for Xue. Both of them still kept most of their human mentality even when shifted. It would take weeks for it to completely go away and even then it wouldn’t make to much of a difference. They were still who they originally were. Pretty complicated but for someone who had lived with it for ten years, it had all started to make sense.

Zemin jumped up on the couch before he curled up into a tiny ball. Once again the amber eyes found themselves stuck on Ezra and he didn’t have the strength to pull them away. It was more than obvious that the large puppy wanted to cuddle, that he wanted to receive pecks between the ears and large hugs filled with love. Was that too much to ask for? Probably. No, rather definitely to be fair. He immediately looked away and stared into the fire instead, followed the dancing flames with his gaze and enjoying the heat that it emitted. Open fires were the best thing ever. Not only did it heat the room up, it also smelled lovely and made everything feel more homey. And when lit, it burned away the stench of blood and vampires, which was the best of all aspects.
[i]Hey Ezra.. The wolf quietly began and shut his eyelids tightly, already regretting what he was about to ask. Can I snuggle with you? Please? I won’t bite, he begged and started whining. Loudly, he whined ridiculously loudly and the eyes were as large as a pair of saucers. He knew that part didn’t matter though, as the shaman was blind. Would it even had made any difference if he wasn’t? Good question actually.